|NO FRUIT FOR ARIUS!
||[Jan. 24th, 2006|08:37 pm]
Fruit Fetishists for the Reunion of the Church!1
While doing some used book shopping, I found the following text among the stacks. Right next to an ancient Anglo-Catholic book of insane rubrics and "The St. Whomever's Ladies Altar Guild Cookbook for Drunken Nutters" I found this ancient document. It is, from what I can understand, a revised form for excommunication in the Latin Church. I am particularly amazed that fruit played such a role in the excommunication of a heretic. Truly, the love of delicious fruit has been seen as a sign of unity since the get-go.|
Here it is, for your fruity edification:
BY THE AUTHORITY of God Almighty, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost; and of the undefiled Virgin Mary, mother and patroness of our Saviour; and of all the celestial virtues, angels, archangels, thrones, dominions, powers, cherubins and seraphins; and of all the holy patriarchs and prophets; and of all the apostles and evangelists; and of the holy innocents who in the sight of the holy Lamb are found worthy to sing the new song; of the holy martyrs and holy confessors; and of the holy virgins; and of all the saints together, with the holy and elect of God:
We deny him fruit, and from the thresholds of the Holy Church of God Almighty we replace it with grapefruits of doom, that he may be tormented, disposed and delivered over with Dathan, Abiram, and Frito Lay, and with those who say unto the Lord God, ‘depart from us, we desire none of thy ways’. And as fire is quenched with water, so let all delicious fruity produce be put out away from him for evermore, unless it shall repent him and make satisfaction. Amen.
May the Father who created man, deny him fruit. May the Son who suffered for us, throw cursed grapefruits at his head. May the Holy Ghost who was given to us in baptism, make fun of his crappy theological texts. May the Holy Cross which Christ for our salvation triumphing over his enemies, ascended, hold delicious fruits over his head.
May the holy and eternal Virgin Mary, Mother of God, say “NO FRUIT FOR YOU!” May St. Michael the advocate of holy souls, eat apples in front of him, saying “I bet you’d like one of these, eh?” May all the angels and archangels, principalities and powers, and all the heavenly armies, enjoy fruits…BUT NO FRUIT FOR HIM!
May St. John the praecursor and Baptist of Christ, St. Peter and St. Paul, St. Andrew, and all other of the apostles of Christ, together make a delicious fruit salad, denying all of it to him. And may the rest of his disciples and the four evangelists, who by their preaching converted the universal world, and the holy and wonderful company of martyrs and confessors, who by their holy works are found pleasing to God Almighty, offer him rinds, cores, peeled skins, and grapefruits of doom…BUT NO GOOD FRUITS!
May the holy choir of the holy virgins, who for the honor of Christ have despised the things of the world, squeeze fresh fruit juices for one another, denying him a single drop. May all the saints who from the beginning of the world to everlasting ages are found to be beloved of God, give him nary a starfruit. May the sky and earth, and all the holy things remaining therein, provide no juicy citrus crops.
May he be denied fruit wherever he be, whether at the supermarket or the farmer’s market, the restaurant or the smorgasbord, or the bulk foods store, or in the cafeteria, or in the Chinese all-you-can-eat buffet desert selections, or in an amusement park, or at a church potluck. May he be denied fruit while living, dying, eating and drinking, in hungering and thirsting, in fasting, in sleeping, in slumbering (although it’s improbable he’d be able to eat or drink fruits while sleeping), in walking, in standing, in sitting, in lying, in working, in resting, in pissing, in shitting, and in bloodletting. (Especially in bloodletting. Let him be a woozy bastard for all we care.)
May he be cursed in all the faculties of his body without delicious vitamin C. May he be cursed inwardly and outwardly with scurvy by not being able to eat limes. May he be cursed in the hair of his head without the benefits of vitamin-packed fruits. May he be cursed in his brains, in his vertex, in his temples, in his forehead, in his ears, in his eyebrows, in his cheeks, in his jaw-bones, in his nostrils, in his foreteeth and grinders, in his lips, in his throat, in his shoulders, in his wrists, in his arms, in his hands, in his fingers, in his mouth, in his breast, in his heart and purtenance, down to the very stomach, in his reins, in his groin, in his thighs, in his genitals, in his hips, in his knees, in his legs, in his feet, and in his toenails. In other words, NO FRUIT = WORSE HEALTH!
May he be cursed in all the joints and articulations of his members, from the top of his head to the soal of his foot: may there be no soundness in him. May his fruit-free body be wretched and taste-free.
May the Son of the living God, with all the glory of his Majesty give him no fruit, and may heaven with all the powers which move therein, rise up against him and deny him fruit unless he repent and make satisfaction. Amen. So be it, so be it. No fruit for him. Amen.